B r i a n a | E s p a ñ a

worth it. 

2012

I thank God for most this 
amazing 
day; for the leaping greenly 
spirits of trees 
and a blue true dream of sky; 
and for everything 
which is natural, which is 
infinite, which is yes.

E.E. Cummings

I was going through my facebook timeline trying to figure out where exactly I was and what I was up to a year ago.

From what I gather through facebook I was in Sagunto. This was the week that I was posting all my updates as Haikus and on Feb 11 is the day I gave it up. Earlier in the day Liz got on my laptop and updated “Man I wish I was as amazing as Liz Rice… Man my life sucks…”- (looks like I did the same to her earlier) and then later I posted this E.E. Cummings quote. 

Truth be told, last semester was horrible. I know it sounds stupid and maybe even a little pathetic, but I was having a really hard time coming back and moving on. Summer wasn’t bad at all and school started out great, but as soon as the leaves started to change I grew increasingly restless and unhappy with the static lifestyle that seems to be inevitable in the Midwest. 

It didn’t help that I seemed to be moving backwards when it cam to my studies. My year off didn’t do much to improve my note-taking or study skills and I was stuck in a major rut when it came to photography. Getting stuck like that is THE WORST… for me anyway. I have the hardest time getting out of it and I think my negative attitude was to blame for that. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, how much I had planned or who was helping me, studio just did not make any sense to me. It still doesn’t. I like magazines as much as the next girl- and I can’t help but admire the beautiful lighting style of Annie Leibowitz or the illustrative and shiny ads by Jill Greenberg, but I just dont get it. I dont even really like it that much. I like to watch and it’s interesting and all, but I really just dont like setting up and manipulating light. Hopefully someday that will change though…

 They tell you that it’s tough coming back but I honestly wasn’t prepared for this. I miss the sun, the sea, and the variety of challenges that come with working with kids. Some people come back excited to tell stories and ready to take on life- but for me it was the opposite. I don’t think I really have any stories to share in front of church. What am I supposed to say? “Sicily is amazing. Paris is inspiring! You can get a turkish kebab near the train station for five Euros!”

Being an SM is supposed to make you a better person. You’re supposed to be challenged and tested and all that while you’re out there- but for me all of that came later in full force. There’s nothing worse than being at ‘home’ and feeling out of place. 

Over Christmas break I totaled my car and went through a sort of crisis where I tried desperately to transfer to another school on the other side of the country. I thought that a change of scenery would be perfect… and going to school with some of my pals that were in Spain with me wouldn’t be so bad either. Somehow, I ended up back here- car-less and scared of being back in a place that I feel out of place and unwanted. 

Things are different now. In a way, totaling my car was one of the best things that could’ve happened to me (but honestly it really sucks living wayyy out here without a car… not like I can just walk to a train station and go to the nearest big city like I could in Sagunto…)- I think that now I just have a much better attitude about things. In the end I really dont care about anything other than myseld and what I’m doing. Not saying that I dont care about my friends and the world and whatever- but I really just needed to change my way of thinking. 

I used to have this attitude where I sort of hated everything and everyone here. Everything I did and everyone I met I would compare to what I used to have- and thats not fair. How could the two-stop light town of Berrien Springs ever be compared with Sagunto? I mean they have a castle there. A REAL CASTLE! And instead of making new friends and really connecting with old ones I was so focused on missing my old ones that I just dismissed everyone here as “stupid Andrews people”. 

Well I’ve come to realize that I am also a “stupid Andrews person”. Wow. I said it. 

Somehow I feel a little more peace now. There are a lot of mistakes I made last semester that I need to make up for now. A lot of bridges to rebuild- a lot of things I need to be proactive about changing. I’m just glad I feel like I can finally move on. 

So this weekend I am house/dog sitting and It’s wonderful being in a real home with animals again. I’m just chillin’ watching some random spanish channel (like actually from Spain! ‘No Pasa Nada’ accents and all!) and it’s just so peaceful and quiet that I couldn’t help but update this a bit. I have yet to buy my 2012 moleskine and last year’s is full… sooooooooooo, here you go, internet! lol

Fall

I can always appreciate the changing of the seasons. Especially after being away from the midwest for so long. It’s been raining a lot here and I dont have an umbrella. I’ve never really been one to carry one because I honestly never think to bring one. Umbrellas are just something I kind of associate with my dad. He always has one (usually two) in the car. He’s the kind of guy who likes to have things “just in case”. I think that’s why he’s notorious for packing way too much for trips… but we’re never caught off-guard. 

I love the rain. In Spain I didn’t see it very often. It reminds me of going to school when I was little. I love walking on campus and seeing lit windows of classrooms- golden rectangles in a grey and blue landscape. It’s almost surreal. There was a day in Spain that I’ve been thinking about today- it was raining sort of the way it’s been raining here, light and relentless. Liz and I got dressed up all pretty and took a cab after class and spent an afternoon in Valencia. I dont remember what reason we had for going there, I think we just wanted to get out of CAS for the day. We just sat in starbucks almost the entire time and played cards. It was one of those days that you really appreciated- one of those days where you realize that everything is okay.

I dont really have a reason for writing any of this but I guess I’m just feeling sort of strange with all this rain reminding me of Spain. I’m trying to not be isolated. I’m trying to stick with God and have faith that everything will be okay… this is all just so strange, though.

After

Well it’s been a year (+4 days) since I started this blog. It’s hard to believe that this all began so long ago.

It was an incredible year. I feel like I fell in love- I thank God for every little mistake and circumstance that brought me to Spain for a year. I’ve been back for over three months now but it seems longer. This summer I did my best to move on quickly and embrace being home so that I wouldn’t feel disconnected, and it worked… for a little bit. I thought I was over the hard part- especially after school started. I was optimistic about the year, and dare I say, excited? I had missed a lot of things about being in school… Teachers, deadlines, projects… I was happy to be reunited with some of my friends here and everything was off to a great start. 

I dont know what happened this past week to make everything seem so different, but I think it’s really finally hitting me. I feel very much alone here now. I miss my scattered friends and family who live so far away. I miss a simpler life where you’re not constantly fighting to be ahead of everyone else. I’m just going to be honest… I dont know how to be back. 

well I feel a little better now.. I just wish that the world was a bit smaller (or that I had more money in my bank account…)

Well it’s been such a long time since I posted..

Getting home was insane. I ended up missing my first set of flights and taking a train to Madrid because of some issues with my booking and my luggage. I spent a night in a small guesthouse in Barajas and managed to catch the flights back the next day. I was so relieved to arrive in Washington DC. It was a strange feeling, though. It reminded me of all the times we came back from the Dominican Republic and experienced reverse culture shock. I ordered my favorite drink from starbucks and when they handed it to me I said “vale, gracias!”. English in public is taking a little getting used to…

I arrived in Tampa and stayed there for about a week before heading up to South Carolina. I was in Charleston for about two days with my dad while my car was getting worked on. After that I headed towards Berrien Springs, Michigan, where I am spending my summer this year. On my way out I stopped to see a friend that I met in Spain who lives in Columbia. Seeing her made everything seem less like a dream… living and breathing evidence that the last 8 months really did happen.

I finally did make it up to Michigan but about 10 hours later than I had planned. I stopped somewhere in West Virginia and slept in my car for about 4 hours. After that I just kept getting tired so I had to pull over pretty often. It was a pretty rough trip, actually. After not driving for so long I wasn’t really used to those kinds of trips anymore.

On Friday a friend from high school came to visit so I spent the weekend with her and another former classmate who lives here in Berrien. These were some of my closest friends- the kinds that you never really say things like “friends forever” because it’s already assumed. They really are like my sisters.

I was a bit worried about seeing them both right away. I’m still missing the ESDES family from Spain and I was afraid that when I saw them I would feel sort of different. I’m glad that I was wrong. It was one of those “Great friendships prevail” sort of moments. Cheesy, I know, but it happened.

I still desperately miss the ESDES fam. There is a big hole in my heart now. It’s like I was in a relationship with someone and now we have to be long-distance. Will they find someone else? Will this be too much pressure? HOW CAN THIS RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE?!?

I’m missing an entire lifestyle- Walking to town, jumping on and off trains, eating outside, being hugged by 15 first graders just for showing up to work… I miss Sagunt. A lot.

So.. I guess there is just so much going on right now that even trying to say anything more than this would just be tedious and annoying. No one wants to hear my internal dialogue.

Well now I am on the hunt for a job. I already have a second interview at a photo lab set up, so fingers crossed! I really need to “get money”.

Countdown

6 Weeks until I go home and 2 weeks until all of the other Americans go home and the most dreaded birthday in the history of my life.

5am in the train station of Valencia

I sat in this train station that has become so familiar to me for about 50 minutes on Monday morning after taking a night train from Granada. I went to Granada with Andrews for a couple of days. I couldn’t pass up the chance to see the Alhambra.

Pulling away from the school on Saturday afternoon with a bus full of Andrews’ spanish students I couldn’t help but feel a bit of separation anxiety. Besides Christmas break with my dad this trip really was the first time I had really been away from any of the ESDES crew since I’ve been here. It sounds ridiculous when you think about it but the whole time I was gone I just couldn’t stop thinking about how badly I wanted to be back in Sagunto. I felt that by leaving for a day I was taking the little time we have left here for granted.

I had a great time seeing the Alhambra and catching up with some friends from Berrien.. but I wasn’t too bummed to find out that I had to take the earlier train back to Valencia in order to be back for work on Monday. I was nervous to be traveling alone without any solid plan but I figured I knew Valencia well enough to figure it out once I got there.

When I arrived at 5am to the station I was strangely comforted by the familiar sight of Valencia Nord. It was so quiet and empty.. it was almost like coming home late at night when no one else is there and most of the lights are off.

I made it back with enough time to get some rest and go to work at the Primary school. I realized something when I found myself alone at workshop with the 6th grade. I had traveled literally all night just to make it back for 50 minutes of work.. but it was so worth it. 50 minutes of playing pictionary and hangman with some of my favorite people in the world.

When I first came here I was terrified of the kids at the primary school. Now I rush back from the south of Spain just to be able to see them for 50 minutes a day. It’s not easy and they rarely behave… but I love them anyway.

I dont know how many times I will be in this train station again.. but I’m not going to waste a single day.

Update

It’s been such a weird week. Last weekend was Las Fallas- a huge festival here in Valencia. Of course my camera would start giving me problems, so I have no photos. How depressing is that? but it’s alright- there were so many people there that I was afraid to carry anything valuable. A friend of mine had her iPod stolen right out of another friend’s purse. Not thinking about taking photos did allow me to enjoy the event a bit. I love taking photos but sometimes I just need a little bit of a break.

This week I’ve been pretty sick… I guess running around in Valencia in the cold is not a good idea. Lots of coughing, fever here and there, headaches.. I guess something has been going around, there are quite a few girls in the dorm who’ve been sick. This morning I thought I would be okay but headaches and cough attacks kept me from going out of the dorm. I had an English class today so I’ve sent their homework with a friend. It’s a good class, I know they will do the work. It’s been a little difficult because one of the English Teachers is away until after next week, so I’ve had a few more classes to pick up.

Friends have been pretty good to me this week, stealing food from the cafe for me, checking in, bothering me about drinking water… My Roommate’s boyfriend is here this week. I met him about a week ago but haven’t seen him much because I’ve been confined to my room all week. This morning Becka comes in with a thermos and hands it to me saying, “Austin made you some ginger tea. You have to drink it. All of it!”. I was soooo shocked. I dont even really know this dude! And he made me tea! She better marry him so that we can be friends forever.

Being sick has made me so homesick. I feel like I’m at this point where I dont care about anything and I just want to go home. It’s like senioritus. I really need a second wind… I only have about 2 months here, and that’s scary! In two months I will have to leave Europe and say goodbye to some of the best people I’ve ever known. Not looking foreward to the goodbyes. Most of my friends here are from the US but many live on the West Coast.. and none of them go to Andrews. I’m going to be so lonely when I go back to school.

well I just thought I should update this! I really should write more…

Morella, Feb 2011

missing this

8. Paris

We were in Paris for New Years. I was SOOOOOO sick when we were there- I barely got out in time to be at the Eiffel Tower (which was disappointing because there were no fireworks, music… countdown.. NOTHING!) but It was fun walking back trying to find a metro station that wasn’t bursting at the seams with people…

7. Venice

Venice was a pretty cool town. When we arrived it was snowing, so I was expecting more for the few days we were there, but luckily the sun was out most of the time. It was pretty cold in venice though.

Although there were TONS of tourists everywhere, Venice was pretty interesting. There really is nothing like it. Our second day there I got super lost trying to get back to the Locanda for a nap and ended up wandering around for 2 hours. There was this beatles store I ran into which was pretty incredible- Original yellow submarine merchandise, unique gifts, records… and tons of other classic rock stuff. I got a few postcards and guitar picks because I only had like 20 euros on me but I wish I had been able to get a few other things.